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Sample Report for
Sarcastic Stars

                       Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
           
                                    Michael J. Fox
                                     June 9, 1961
                                       12:15 AM
                                   Edmonton, Canada
           
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                            This astrological analysis is based
                            on the following astrological data:
           
                            Sun       18 Gem 12
                            Moon       1 Tau 27
                            Mercury    9 Can 21
                            Venus      2 Tau 58
                            Mars      18 Leo 37
           
                            Standard time observed
                            GMT: 07:15:00   Time Zone: 7 hours West
           
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           Sun in Gemini:
           
           Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister
           
             "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who
           is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what
           is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in
           life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for
           knowing more than them.
           
              You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on
           their face while making love the same way, over and over again.
           The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini
           natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go
           away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day?
           Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with
           their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the
           Gemini. Yeah, that's it!
           
              To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement,
           as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same
           time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its
           like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!
           
              The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's
           because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they
           were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier.
           Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid,
           weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without
           warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who
           leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never
           letting you know who it was that called in the first place.
           
              The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy",
           you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table
           and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the
           side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a
           Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting
           anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter,
           with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the
           competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit
           much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards?
           Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing
           much more satisfying than sex.
           
              When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may
           read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps
           the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on
           it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic
           WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a
           whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of
           the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more
           than once, spiritually or physically.
           
              To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really
           understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so.
           They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on
           perfection?
           
              Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be
           
           all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can
           conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into
           practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because
           Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not
           have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like
           Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the
           atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the
           scenery, mentally!
           
              Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange
           furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and
           jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful
           surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house
           and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you
           even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the
           Gemini native lives there or not!
           
              Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the
           characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these
           little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A
           Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless
           Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The
           Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for
           more, or ever bothering them again!
           
              Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, &
           fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are
           known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, &
           no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for
           the gusto right?
           
           Moon in Taurus:
           
           The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
           
              The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong,
           needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A
           real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that
           simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot
           stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are
           dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!"
           says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at
           all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."
           
              If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and
           have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal
           circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and
           tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can
           juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the
           reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your
           mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are
           going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off
           with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that
           follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain
           cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and
           "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable
           cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.
           
              The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like
           making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it!
           
           Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank
           you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus
           person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems
           with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar
           and any form of sweets.
           
              The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses
           instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels
           good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what
           the task!
           
              Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them
           is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be
           thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that
           very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon
           in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of
           Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who
           is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and
           when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other
           words, some people find commitments give strength to
           relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of
           ownership.
           
           Mercury in Cancer:
           
             Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends
           to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk
           about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is
           what they are apt to think and talk about.
           
              Give this person a life jacket, as their mind is constantly
           under water. In other words, the mind is bogged down in the glop
           of emotions, and they cannot separate them. On a positive note
           this position gives them the capacity for being extremely
           psychic, but they must develop it.
           
              Making love to them is so private they will be lucky if their
           lover can find them, much less do anything else! Yes, she was
           one of those quiet ones! The perfect fantasy for them is taking
           a casual boat trip to a remote island, sinking the boat saying
           "Oops, oh dopey me!, Looks like we will be here for awhile".
           "Now what can we do to pass the time until the rescue boat
           comes?"
           
              There should be signs in Libraries that say " No Cancerians
           allowed". They talk much too loud!
           
           Venus in Taurus:
           
              Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings
           satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting
           arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of
           love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
           
              Kissing a person with this placement has all of the
           sensitivity of a wet sponge hitting you in the face, again, and
           again and all of that with no foreplay.
           
              I am woman hear me roar, is the battle cry of the female
           Venus in Taurus. Picture a bull getting ready to freight train a
           
           man in a funny costume with a cape yelling "come and get me" in
           Spanish! Ah yes, love sweet love, in its most primitive state,
           this is the essence of these fun lovers.
           
              Here is the typical Venus in Taurus explaining what belongs
           to them "Everything" of course. Implements to have on hand for
           Venus in Taurus must include the following: Ankle and wrist
           bracelets, a 24 hr. pocket pager and an interrogation manual. "I
           will make you over in my image", says the overly possessive
           Venus in Taurus.
           
              It would be wise for their partners to own or operate a
           restaurant offering the finest cuisine or a flower shop with a
           full stock of long stemmed roses. Have on hand a pre-recorded
           tape of the endless loop variety that keeps saying "I love you .
           . . I adore you . . . I love you . . . I adore you. . .",
           because objects of their love are guaranteed to run out of gas,
           way before they do! They also have the ability to magnetize and
           imprison what they want. After all, what is theirs, is theirs!
           
           Mars in Leo:
           
             Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions
           unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions
           desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very
           specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the
           personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with
           their surroundings.
           
             If you want to bore this Mars in Leo person to death, insist
           on foreplay. "What do you mean you won't make love to me? I took
           you to dinner and a show! What else do you want, a carriage ride
           through Central Park?"
           
             Once in the boudoir, they pounce on their prey like the Lions
           that they are, and with the finesse of Dracula, go right for the
           neck. Boy! are they off by a country mile. They can really make
           a mockery of love making and destroy the bed in the process.
           
             Heart trouble can plague these people, so make sure that you
           have the commanding position while making love or you may get
           crushed in the heat of the moment.
           
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